ok so when  i was going out with  phil i didnt tell my friend cuz i thought he'd react babdly and i was right so he was freakin out beyond the necessary point and it was only cuz he wanted to screw things up between us so i would go back to liking him even tho he doesnt like me and he is soooo cought up in himself!!! and he just need s to i dont kno. i dont kno wut to do i was just rlly mean to him and now hes pisst but part of me says how gives a damn he is ignoring u hes being a jack ass he deserves it but the other part of me says no he was ur rlly good friend dont treat him like this. wut should i do???

well i love my boyfriend but he gets so down and goes on and on about how he has nothing and he deserves to die and wants to burn in hell and all that depressing stuff. well i kinda yelled / tried to help at him to try to tell him its his choice to be depressed and he can choose that and see only the dark side of life or he can choose to be happy and mainly see the good side of life. and i don't think he got that at all. ya know like it kinda went right over his head. so it rlly offends me when he says he has nothing. it makes me thing like wow. wut am i then. im pondering breaking up with him but i dont want to break his  hart which might make it worse. and i still like him but i think i might go outa my mind!

need an answer ASAP so i dont end up leading him on!

~melanon

so i just got back from a 5 day snowboarding trip! it was suppossed to be ,y vacation from life.(i've been having a ........... hard time with stuff/life. ) well first day one friend took a sorta big spill.and did like a whiplash thing. and it was our first run of the day . for the rest of the trip she was w himp and my other friend likes to be just like the other and they were both whimps.i was going on this trip to try ot gain my sainty back!but i lost it more! ok i kno i might be being a little harsh but when ur snowboarding ur taking a risk and ur going to have to accept that ur going to take some big spills and ur going to hurt uself sumtimes. but that doesnt mean u have to start over and go back the damn bunnyhill!!! now tell me if im being harsh or what ever. we've (me and my friends) all been snowboarding for 4 years now! ok so i wanted to a little more advandce trails but no. since my friends who took spill was scared! i hate the fucking bunnyhill!!!!!!!!!!! tell me if im being unreasonable! but y did this trip suck so much! i wanted to have fun! i did in some ways! but last run of the trip i finaly found someone to go with me. wow and now im just going to stop blabling on a dn on

ok so borke up wiht the other boyfriendthat i was having troubles with. i found another guy i'll call "eric". now i rlly like eric alot. but my x boyfriend dan  was rlly mean to me for other reason i wont get into. and rlly upset me like saying things to me like "wish u woould die" or go jump off a building" and a lot of other things like," i hate u" and it goes on and on like that. well i told my boyfriend and he got upset too. now i was planing on letting it just blow over but eric was talking to dan and now there plaing a fight. they both r like we can kick his ass and all that jazz. well im worried this could get serious . im getting rlly worried. they both sound confident but one is going to get rlly hurt. and wut shoudl i do?

~melano

I yelled at my friend "dan" so much and i feel so horribel about it. he hates me but still wants to talk on the fone to trouture me. its horrible hes like ur a decint person but i hate u. WUT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!!!! im getting mixed messages . and i hate how i feel. i feel like ..........ah i just dont want to feel anymore!!! i want to make the pain go away! i will do anything. i've been having rlly dark thoughts!! its freakin me out but i dont give a shit i want to ... i dont even have the words for this!!!!! i need help. i need to fix this i dont want to die. but im having so rlly dark thoughts here!

My Plague
I'm in conniptions for the final act you came here for
The one derivative you manage is the one I abhor
I need a minute to elaborate for everyone the
Everyday bullshit things that you have done

Your impossible ego fuck is like a
Megalomaniacal tab on my tongue
You fuckin' touch me I will rip you apart
I'll reach in and take a bite out of that
Shit you call a heart...

I don't mind being ogled, ridiculed
Made to feel miniscule
If you consider the source, it's kinda pitiful
The only thing you really know about me is...
...that's all you'll ever know

I know why you blame me (yourself)
I know why you plague me (yourself)

I'm turning it around like a knife in the shell
I wanna understand why, but I'm hurting myself
I haven't seen a lotta reasons to stop it
I can't just drop it
I'm just a bastard, but at least I admit it
At least I admit it

I know why you blame me (yourself)
I know why you plague me (yourself)

Kill you - fuck you - I will never be you
Kill you - fuck you - I will never be you
I can't fuckin' take it anymore
A snap of the synapse
And now it's fuckin' war
Kill you - fuck you - I will never be you

"dan" said that he had me in mind when he played this song and not to take any offence.my butt ya go ahead hurt me in hell if u want. see wut i will do. i wont sink down ur level! in ur dreams ass whole! . 

i took my fav lyrics from my fav songs and put them together to creat a poem about how i feel right now. wut do think? (lyrics tok from:so long astorea by the ataris, faint by linkin park, cute with out the E by taking back sunday, dammit by blink 182, forget everything , all down hill from here by new found glory, tie her down . your cute when u scream, angela backer and my obsession with fire , irony of dying on ur birthday by sense fail, until the day i die by story of the year, my town , phontoms now  by armor for sleep and my plague by slip knot

LIFE

Life is only as good as the memories we make and im taking back what belongs to me

I’ll reach in and take a bit out of that shit u call hart

But everybodys gone

and u’ve been here for too long

I wanna understand why

but im hurting myself

its happened once again.

I cant feel the way I did before

its ok just as long as this thing is loaded.

tell me why this hurts so much

and I’ll take the fall for u

I hope u need this now cuz I kno I still do.

Don’t turn ur back on me

I wont be ignored

but its time to die

your worth more dead.

I hope I never see u again.

all you know is that revenge is sweet.

you’ll take your time to slowly plot my end

you’ll take me to the top of this building and just push me off

run down the stairs so u can see my face as I hit the street.

U choose to be a serial killer

You know I a m worthless.

forget everything that we have done

erase me from your memory.

I’ll attack someone with a switch blade knife

so I can see there pain.

take the glass against my wrist

I know u are my worst night mare.

Time wont heal this damage anymore.

no matter what I do I cant convince u for just once to hear me out

but which would u prefer

my finger on the trigger or

my face down across your floor?

My hands are at ur throat

and I think I hate u!

You keep pulling me down

and I feel like running head first into traffic.

So I’ll bite ur lip so, fucking so hard

and watch it just drip.

then I’ll sit here with a smile and a match.

And will u tell all my friends u’ve got ur gun to my head

they say your hiding something

cause its burning through your eyes

they try to get it out but all they get are lies.

My hands around your throat and I think I hate u!

A day late

a buck short

im writing

the repot

on losing and failing

and its all down hill from here.

it takes a lot of me

to wake up every morning

but what if I don’t

would u even care?

I wont forget the day that , that I found god

on a kitchen knife now and on my arm

so paint the pale white floor with my red life

and tell myself that this pain is the pain I love

when I move ‘im flailing now

should I bite my tongue until blood soaks m shirt?

I thought I wanted this...

you remind me of the times when I knew who I was

but thats gone now.

don’t call ,don’t ask about me

until the day hell freezes over

I think the truth is im scared

I think im just scared to live

and all of this was all my fault

I don’t want to face it on my own.

i have created a situation that ihave wanted to  fix and attempted to more then once. but i just end up hurting some one. i try to fix it with one person and it works but then i hurt some one else its an ongoing to cycle like that. i hate this pain that ihave to deal with so i've used other pain to cancle the the other out with. like cutting myself and i've becoem balimic. i write poems but nothing works. now im just idected to the other stuff that i started to cancel it out. what should i do?

OMG. IM SO EXCITED THERE IS A SENSES FAIL CONCERT IN APRIL !!!!!! OMG ! I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED! WOW! GO TO THIS SITE THE TICKETS R 12 $ AND ITS ON TUESDAY THE 19TH . AND DOORS OPEN AT 6:30 SHOW STARTS @ 7:30! OMG! SRY I HAD TO SPREAD WORD. AND SHARE MY HAPPINESS.

http://www.lupos.com/Splash.html

 GO TO THIS SITE TO CHECK IT OUT FOR UR SELF!

~MEL!! <3

wow and once agian i am in the same postion!!!!!!! y the hell do i keep doing this to myself. i have no one to blame but myself. with my big ass mouth and dumb ass brain!!!!!!  i hate myself and i cant stand it! honestly! i am .......... fuck this ....... no fuck like. i just dont care ne more!!!!!! i just want the pain to go away! *crying* i hate myself for losing him. he loves me but i blew it all. the pain is drivng me crazy.

well i hope that ur ahppy now 

He comes at night

invading my dreams

in cold waves of the ocean

he comes to kill not to love

the razor sharpnesshe

he slits my wrist

the red reality pours out of me.

my screams

his laughter,

laughter that kills me slowly

his hands around my throat

sufficating me.

my body lain on the ground

the love of my life standing in the fire

his glowing face

of outrage

anger

saticfaction.

he turns and leaves me to die.....

phil this is not pointed towrd u. :-) <3

Mel

omg my ex and my BF are going to fight. and its all my fcuking fault of course they dont think so. i kno that one of them is going to get cricly injured and im scared shitless. i dont kno wut todo and its happeneing 2day!!!!!!! im like sitting here freakin out not knowing wut to do. niether of them will listen. one says "no i have to go. cuz i've alwasy been a whipm and backed out so if i do this no one will fuck with me again" and the other says that " i cant call this off. and hes been talking shit about me and he doesnt even know me." i am going to cry!!!! help me. quick! im going to end up dying before either of them. i could not even think about life without either of them.

~mel

well i've fixed up my situation but i lyed to so many people and i didnt even mean to. they all dont trust me and im sitting here crying my eyes out and i feel so much pain i just want it all to go away. everyone hates me even i hate myself if there were two of me i would honestly beat myself to fucking pulp. ya kno i still can do that weather or not theres too of me. so infact thats wut i'll do. beat myself to a fucking pulp. so i wont feel this pain any more. i just want to start over. die and be reborn to a new life or go to a new school new friends....or make everything better which wont happen anytime soon. so here i go take me field hockey stick and hitting myself til i fall. i cant stand it anymore!!!!!!!!! i fuckin hate myself...now im just going to go die.

~mel

well now i have my mess finally cleaned up and i can breath without knives stabbing me. wut a reliefe!!!!!! :-) oh im so happy i could sing!!! hmmmmmm i want to go snowbaording before the season closes. i want to go back up to jay peak! any one else been to jay peak? do u guys like it ther? i love jay peak! im so excited track starts in a week!!! i better get in shape! so does softabll! hm i played for the first time yesterday since last year i rember y i love it so much!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!! no i'm not a big Easter fan. you get fat from eatting all the good stuff u get. ew. but still happy easter!

~mel 

this is something that i took from MEL666's blg cuz i liked it so much! so thats who u should give credit too. she found it on the internet.

The Red Rain Drops

The little red rain drops, begin to cascade,
With each tiny droplet, my pain seems to fade,
The rain, it occurs, each day without fail,
Because without it, my past would prevail.

The rain I cry for, I crave all it holds,
I’ll wait for the signs, as my hurt unfolds,
I cant take the pressure, I give in once more,
And I feel the red raindrops, fall to the floor.

The drops become constant, just like a monsoon,
But no one hears the storm, as Im locked in my room,
The rain becomes heavy, it all starts to pour,
Im laying alone, bleeding, on my bedroom floor.

I see no escape, no where to hide from the rain,
Because even with its release, I still feel insane,
Soaked in my pain, but a smile on my face,
The rainfall has freed me, my hurt has erased.

I wipe up the spills, with peace in my mind,
But I know that the rain will fall one more time,
Tomorrow the cloud will cover my soul,
And again, I will feel the need of control.

Drenched in my ‘happiness’, I knew it was clear,
That the rain would fall, just as Id feared,
I cant help but feel that its all for the best,
As the little red rain drops, stop me feeling’ depressed.

i am so bored. i just got home from track and i hurt. so . much . im sitting here staring at my purple mushi monkey. and thinking how the week could not go by any slowwer. i sware. and i love my new senses fail picture as my header. it rox my sox. mheeeeee. i feel rlly drunk. mhhhheeeee. i think i ran too much today............

.................................................................

...........................my purple monkey is fat. and round. kina the opposite of me. no rlly the opposite of me....................

......................................................ali i dont kno y u htink i told phil. i didnt and guess wut emily is talking to me. she called. and we talked and now everything is happy!!!!!! so ha. u were wrong! and yeah. im happy it rlly sux when u get in fights wit ur best friends. but i happy that it is over! so wow i need to go do something productive. like stretch so i will acutally be able to walk tomorrow! laterz gaterz

mha wow that sounded corny! hehehe

<3mel

today is a blue day. not becuase it was bad tho. it was interesting. neway i wont get into it.

hehehehhee it was april first, april fools. i was going to play a trick on my BF saying that it "we needed to tlak. and that we were having some problems and that WE WERE OVER. but i couldnt bring myself to do it. it was so mean. so i didnt. but w/e i dont rlly like april fools anyway. kina stupid. unless u come up with rlly good ones to do. as u can see i am so bored. again. im getting wicked impatient. i ordered a CD and it hasnt come yet. im want my cd dammit. lol only 30 more days til the green day concert. im so excited about it!!!!!!!! its going to be a load of fun 'cept i still need to pay my friend back for getting me the ticket.ugh so broke. it sux.

today is a pink day. my shins hurt like a mother and it rained all day!ALL DAY. i only like the rain cuz well its just fun to go for a run in the rain and it melts the snow!!!!!!!!! which i hate with the burning passion. the onyl thing that gets me through the winter is snowboarding! i love it so much!could not live with out it. just like u phil cant live with out your skateboarding! ugh i want it to be sunny out! im turning white from being inside so much. like im not joking i have gone from my light tan to white. i even have white sploshy things on my arms from being inside i get them every winter! it sux

omgomgomgomgomg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just went and saw the red sox trophy! it just happened to come to my small town out in the middle of no where! but it came for an hour and you got to get your picture taken with it!  it was pretty exciting. after words it almost seemed not worth it. i mean it was totally awesome dont get me wrong. i just spend and hour waiting outside in the cold and then get there and they say you can get your picture taken with it and then you leave. you cant even kiss it or touch it all. but it was still totally awesome!

well the other day we had our first track meet. it was a surpirse one the school had it down as the 7th and we had it down as the 27. man i was so pissed my coach wouldnt let me run in it cuz of my damn shin splints. since i wasnt able to run he made me clean off the grime from the throwing area. it was disgusting. ugg i hate shin splint! i kicked ass last year when i ran the 100. i think im going to try the 4 hundreds this year.if any one does track out there tell me if its hard to run teh 4 hundreds.

~mel

oh yah one more day of school then i am free for one week! yeah! so hapy u have no i deae how dumb school is! omg! i hate it.......well other then seeing my friends! i love my friends! i couldnt live without them! anyway! im so excited! im going to a red sox game over vacation i think! yeah! im happy! my mom has like a list of things planed out for the week off i have. but ther fun and i can bring a friend! yeah

~mel

wow. today has been a lazy day. i sat in teh sun for 2 hours and i think maybe im tan a little. but the rest of the day was spent teaching myself how to play the guitare ( i dont think im even spelling it right. lol ) i'm having a lot of fun doing this. it is frustrating though. especailly for someone with small hands. but if any one out there is willing to give me pointers i will gladly take them.

~mel~ 

this is a song a wrote about a recent break up i had with my boyfriend if u have any suggestion to give me feel free to, and if u have a better title i would like suggestions on that too.

Phil

u were always there for her

her shoulder to cry on

but her loyalty to you inconsistently failed.

You were her light in the dark

her shining star that left her there

there to drown in her own misery and guilt.

So I sing to you

you left her here

here to stand

stand alone in the world.

Looking down on bloodstains

stains from my hart

hart that you ripped out.

Torn out and ripped apart,

broken and gone.

Her bright star slowly fades

and you trust her no more.

Her empty soul filled with tears

you left her with a gaping hole in her hart

to let spill her pain.

Felling caged

her anger enraged.

Glass shatter across the floor.

I confess that I messed up.

But plz give in forget the past

be strong when things fall apart

honest this breaks my hart.

I would die for u.

live and breath for u.

So I sing to you

you left me here

here to stand

stand alone in the world.

Looking down on bloodstains

stains from my hart

hart that u ripped out.

Torn out and ripped apart,

Broken and gone.

Before I give up I want you to know

that every day I wear a plastic smile.

So you cant see how hurt I really am.

You ripped out my hart out.

splintering pieces of love lie broke and gone

(voice gets louder to an almost scream)gone , gone , gone!!!! (quite. Fades to whisper)

gone .........

So I sing to you

you left me here

here to stand

stand alone in the world.

Looking down on bloodstains

stains from my hart

hart that u ripped out.

Torn out and ripped apart,

Broken and gone.

(X2)

broken and gone, broken and gone.........(fades in from soft to loud) broken and gone!!!!!

this is so cool! that is so mee!

you know that ur mad and upset when ur wearing ur shirt inside out ,and ur pants on backwards ,and u walk into ur door frame ,and end up with a large brus on ur shoulder!!!

you know that u have no idea why ur mad and upset when u blame ur best friend for ur break up with ur boyfriend which happened almost 3 weeks ago.

u know ur going crazy when u cuss out ur ex boyfriend for being an ass to u, but u send him a shit load of candy and a get well soon card cuz he broke his foot any way 

wut happened?

help me.......

buying 2 new cds~$60

spending a day shopping @ hot topic and pac sun ~ $500

spending an afternoon with ur 2 best friends laughing until ur doubled over and crying! , and creating so many inside jokes they get gross! ~ pricless!

omg i could not be happier!!!!!!! i  just got back together with my bf!! well sort of kindof!! he said he;d have to give it some time!! so were going to the movies sometime!!! omg i could not be happier!!! holy shit ia m happy!

screw the ppl who think im a poser i dont give a flying fuck wut u think!!! hoo im going to go on one long ass run i am so happy i could jog forever!!!!!!!

i could scream! so i get back from england and guess wut i find in my messages from him? that he fuckin pitties me about some bullshit! before i left i spent 3 hours on the fone with  him joking and stuff and half of the time he spent trying to gross me out. reading quotes from Marilyn Manson ~Long Road Out of HEll. and sayin nasty stuff. and he just couldnt so out of the blue beofreo i have to go he says " so wuts it like to have a female orgasim so i hung out the fone or pretended to and his friend who was on the fone on three with out me knowing it said hey phil why dont u get a sex change and find out! i laughed! they didnt hear me so they start talking shit about me cuz they think im not there! neway i get home and find on my messages that he pitties me for not have had and orgasum before. and he goes on like that saying that its not a joke like callin me a masterbaters he rlly does pitty me! and im so fuckin fed up with him for being an ass to me! callin me stupid constantly! u kno it was funny the first few times when he  was joking and i still kno hes joking but he says it so dman seriously! and i dont want it to go to my head but it does neway so i end up acting stupid in return he calls me stupid more and more! hes mean to my friends and everyone else my friends were happy for me! but god dammit! im ready to beat the bloody fuckin shit out him! damn bastard! i sware to fucking god i am so sick of to think that i loved him! to think i told him taht! he was nice! wut the fuck happened? hes such bloody bitch ass wip little fucker!!! i let him fuckin control my life! tell wut i could and couldnt listen to! wut i could and couldnt waer! ware i could shop wut posters went on my wall wut stores i could shop at and wut sports i could play and wut i cant and if i have put on too much wait or not and if i should go on a diet and such! who my friends were and he told me  while we were going out that he thought that one of my friends was hot and had nice boobs! he told me if he didnt like on of my friends and eveen if he didnt have a good reason he'd still call them fuckin ass holes and bitches and that they didnt deserve to be living on this earth and that if god was sane he wouldnt have produced them! and i still love him and i cant yell at him cuz i do love him and  FUCK I CAN STAND IT! WTF! HES DRIVING ME ABSOLUTLY CRAZY AND I FELL SO BAD WHEN I YELL AT HIM BUT HE DESERVES BE FUCKIN KICKED IN THE BALLL AND THE BLOODY FUCKIN SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM AND HUMILIATED INFRONT OF SOMEONE! LIKE HE HAS DONE SO MANY TIMES TO ME! i cant fuckin believed that i loved him and that i still do! i must have lost my mind! well im going to go wrtie a song about this fuckin bloody  ass shit!

help me and tell me wut u think i should do cuz im drowning in usless thoughts right now.

true friends is the one bailing u out of jail

ur best friends is the one sitting beside u sayin " that was fuckin awesome!"

killu